So it’s been a long while since I posted anything to this blog. And I am sorry about that.
MUST. TRY. HARDER.
Part of the reason for having not said anything was depression. That insidious old dog was all around and it took a while to chase the old bugger off. Another part of the reason was I didn’t feel like I had anything to contribute; I was just going about my business and doing my thing, taking each day as it came and trying to keep on keeping on. A further reason was demoralisation. Whilst the DBS surgery was a fantastic success and I have physical control over my body again, the non-motor symptoms of Parkinson’s have become more and more debilitating. I just couldn’t see how any current scientific advances were going to help me and to be honest that left me feeling pretty hopeless, and terribly terribly sad for my dear wife and children.
Hopeless means the absence of hope. This was a new emotion for me. I don’t think I’d ever experienced anything like that before. As much as I thought I understood what that meant, I really didn’t. The emptiness, the futility, the despair. I began to appreciate why religion appeals to people, although it doesn’t to me. Having hope that life will be better, in any number of small ways, is what drives us forward. Hope – that your day at the office will be more productive than yesterday, hope – that your commute will be less stressful than previously, hope – that your finances improve, hope – that the sun will come out for a while today, hope – that today will be less painful than yesterday. These are all things that make us get up, grab the day by the horns and get into it. But when you are without hope, that is a very very dark place. You can see why faith in a higher power would be attractive, if only for something to cling to, to get you moving ahead, that your current despair will improve.
In the absence of such faith, I began to carefully think about this. Was I really without hope? I soon came to the conclusion that I was not. I realised that you have to find hope, your reason to get up and fight for each day, in the things that matter most to you. I see my family and hope for many many more years together. I see my amazing wife and hope for a long future of laughter and friendship, love, romance and mutual support together. I see my friends and hope for a future where they are a part of our lives.
I want to see my daughter go to her school ball. I want to teach my son to fish. These are but two of my many hopes and dreams. It is these things which give me hope. The courage to get up, no matter how painful, injest that boatload of medicine and wobble my way to the kitchen for coffee, stumble to a chair to read the news, and start another day.